Final Lesson
by Nia Maqi
Summary: Obi-Wan receives a final lesson


TITLE: Final Lesson  
AUTHOR: Nia Maqi   
ARCHIVE: M/A, CKOS, anybody else who wants it just let me know.  
CATEGORY: POV, H/C of sorts  
RATING: PG   
WARNINGS: Here there be slash as in Q/O  
SPOILERS: post TPM   
SUMMARY: Obi-Wan receives a final lesson.   
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Good, bad, whatever.   
DISCLAIMERS: The Jedi belong to Lucas. As for the title... it's almost identical   
with the one of the wonderful story Mona posted recently (which actually was the   
first Q/O I've read, a long way back, before MA). Mona, I'm sorry, but I can't   
think of a different one here.   
THANKS: Blue-white-warped chocolate and a new QuiClone to Jadzia for beta and   
encouragement.   
  
  
  
FINAL LESSON  
by Nia Maqi  
  
  
Master Yoda send me away.   
  
So many things I found for myself to do, but he send me away. I was almost   
willing to argue. But I did not. I obeyed and now I'm sitting here, away from   
Theed at the edge of a forest, under a tree overlooking the wide grassland. I'm   
sitting in shadows overlooking the width gleaming in sunlight.   
  
How symbolic.   
  
And I couldn't care less. Do I care about anything right now? Apart from   
avoiding the pain. That's why I kept myself occupied. If I stand still for just   
a moment reality would catch up on me.   
  
Master Yoda took away the tasks I set up for myself and he send me away to seek   
out the Force.   
  
A Jedi can feel the Force at all times, but without intention it's more like a   
background noise. You have to reach out for it to get more than currents. I've   
been avoiding to reach out and connect because it will hurt. Because I won't   
find you in it anymore. With your death our bond was broken. If I would open up   
to the Force then there would be an empty spot, microscopic in the vastness, but   
size doesn't matter. How true that is. This tiny spot is where our bond was,   
where we were connected. It hurts to think of it in past tense, how much worse   
would it be to actually feel it.   
  
I don't want to, but Yoda insisted. Not in words or gesture but his tone when he   
said that I needed to do this, to open up to the Force.   
  
Need.   
  
Master, you taught me many things. We had a rough start, a way with bends and   
curves unusual for the passage from initiate to padawan. I was desperate to   
understand you and your decisions. Later you told me that it was the same for   
you. Easier of course, since you had more experience as a Jedi, as a Master.   
  
But still you wanted to understand me as I wanted to understand you. But our   
reasons were so different. I wanted to know where I stood with you, how to fit   
into your life, to make the transition as smooth as possible. You wanted to   
understand me because you needed to do so, because it was the right way.   
  
Later you showed me that understanding is the right way for our whole life. Our   
relationship has changed, evolved over time. As we were Master and Padawan,   
friends, lovers, two parts of one soul. And in all that the foundation was   
understanding and providing what the other truly needed, not what one wanted or   
thought to want. You always gave what I truly needed, you taught me the   
difference between this need and want. You taught me to find the truth within me   
and in you. When I learned this we became lovers, because it was the right way   
for us, because we shared the same need. You knew about it for a long time but   
you had to wait until I realised that on my own.   
  
"What you need" can be many things, and sometimes it is not what you want it to   
be. It sounds so easy, but in fact it is more difficult than most things I have   
learned. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever reach your level of understanding. How   
should I be able to find the truth and help others as a Jedi when it is still so   
hard for me to understand what I need.   
  
Yoda said I needed to open up to the Force. That word really got my attention.   
  
Need.   
  
I knew the truth of his words in an instance. I knew it before he said all of   
them. Nevertheless I wanted to put it off, and I still do.   
  
"A Jedi's life is a hard one" It is not a phrase, it is true, because among   
other things you come to understand that your worst enemy lies within yourself.   
To avoid the truth, the pain, is to feed this enemy. I'm giving in where I   
should make a stand.   
  
I'm almost ready. Not much longer.   
  
Maybe pain would be a cleansing, sweep away my doubts, my regrets, my guilt...   
there is even more. More feelings unfitting a Jedi, anger at myself for not   
being good enough to be at your side, Master, and anger at you, for getting   
killed, for putting me into this position.   
  
These feelings are treacherous because they are a distraction, they can take the   
edge of the pain- that's why I keep them close.   
  
I wonder where all this anger comes from? Is it all my creation or is it more, a   
leftover from my brush with the Sith? After the wall came down I used the Dark   
Side. Strange word for it. The Force is the Force. The shade lies not in the   
Force itself but in how you approach it and in your purpose, your focus. I never   
thought myself to be pure, no one is. Strange as it may seem, even Master Yoda   
is not pure. All of us have a dark side, the difference is how you handle it. A   
Jedi has to find it, to acknowledge it and to be wary of it at all times, to   
keep it in check and fight it when it arises.   
  
I think I was underway to ignore it. I never did this, you taught me better.   
  
So I deal with it now. I accept my undoing.   
  
And I let go.   
  
  
  
It takes a while but then I'm finally free. Now I can open up to the Force, not   
that I want to, but I need it.   
  
Now.   
  
Pain - here I come.   
  
  
  
Here I am - tears in my eyes.   
  
Anakin.   
  
Teach him... - I didn't want this responsibility. But you needed me to and I   
needed to give you this promise.   
  
Anakin. That's how I think of him now, not "The boy" anymore. A progress, that's   
for sure.   
  
When you told the Council you would take him as your Padawan I was shocked and   
hurt. But you had to move fast to go for what you believed to be right. Later   
you explained that to me but I already came to understand it. Nothing had   
changed between us. It was certain that I wouldn't always be your Padawan. But   
we were a pair and we would have stayed that way. No Chosen One could change   
that. There was enough room in your, in our life.   
  
This afternoon the Council will decide about Anakin's future but regardless of   
the decision, I will keep my promise.   
  
And now I wonder what would have become of him if Master Yoda hadn't sent me   
here. This idea chills me to the core, I can't really grasp why, but I have the   
feeling that I would have missed to teach him something important without today,   
without what I feel now. What kind of teacher would I have been, blind,   
crippled, without joy.   
  
And this nightfall, your funeral, what would I have seen? You, my Master, my   
love, being cremated.   
  
But that's only one facet of truth. I have changed my point of view and so I   
will see more of the truth tonight.   
  
Now that I'm open I can feel you in the Force, not your awareness, but your   
presence as you are beginning to weave into the Force itself, into its   
harmonics. In a day I wouldn't be able to recognise you any more, the edges are   
already fading. But maybe, now that I felt you there, how you fit into it, how   
you find your shifting place I may recognise you again. But to be honest, it   
doesn't matter anymore. You are part of the Force, part of life, part of   
everywhere. As I will be.   
  
Where our bond was, where I expected pain, there is only my love for you, so   
much that I can't keep it, I pour it out into the Force.   
  
And it comes back.   
  
All the love I give comes back to me. Loved by you, loved by the Force.   
  
You were right when you said that I still had much to learn about the Living   
Force - but look now, with your death you gave me a final lesson. Maybe one of   
the most important, one that fills me with joy.   
  
I will teach Anakin that - and this thought lets the chill I felt earlier   
disappear.   
  
I will join you, my love, sometime, no need to hurry. Until then I will do my   
duty with all I have to offer, so much more for your final lesson. And I will   
cherish this mortal life as is only right for such a great gift provided by the   
Force.   
  
And then I will join you.   
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
